While I was visiting my Dad I looked through some childhood memories. My mom made two photo books, one right from when she was pregnant with me till I was around two. The other one started from the birth of my little sister in 1994, also covering almost two years. Looking through them was so painful and brought up so many stories that I decided to stop and take them home with me instead, to have the support of my partner and his pair of fresh eyes on them.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a horrible childhood. Physically I was completely cared for. I never knew what hunger was, my clothes weren’t dirty and we were never without a home. Looking at these pictures, with the knowing and the ability to see energy so clearly that I have now it was very painful to look at that magnificent being of light that I am and always was and to see how I started to hide my joy and my desires from about 6 months on. My partner pointed out to me that especially birthday and Christmas pictures were hard to look at, seeing the story I carried with me all my life engraving deeper and deeper into my heart: “Even if I say what I want and need nobody cares and listens to it.”
The emotions all there on my face, forced smiles when I knew someone was taking a picture, incredible sadness and loneliness painted all over me no matter what my face looked like.
This morning when I woke up I felt deeply depressed. Yesterday I found out that one of my core desires, raising a daughter, was coming true and I hosted a wonderful webinar with Soul’s from all over the world attending. Everything was AMAZING, except it wasn’t. I could hear the thoughts in my head, telling me “You’re a failure”, “Just quit” and “You can’t do anything right”. While having pancakes made by my hubs, looking at the happy faces of my children, for the first time in a year, since just before my healing vacation to Alicante where I forgave myself for trying to kill myself 10 years before, suicide thoughts came out of nowhere. I heard myself say: “Let’s go to the beach!” In a desperate attempt to find something that would get me out of this state.
Then I started crying. And stopped. Got the children and myself dressed. Then drove the whole family the three minutes to the beach. Stopped the car and started crying again. While Dennis released the children into the wild to climb on the stones my thoughts got louder and louder and I couldn't hold them back any longer. He came to my door, stood there and asked: “What’s going on?” I answered: “I’m a failure. I suck. I want to quit everything. I failed in every single aspect of my life.” And while hearing me speak the logical part of my brain perked up with something along the lines of “Well, that doesn't sound right, I mean you…” disrupted by Dennis saying: “That’s not true. I can’t see any aspect of your life you are failing in right now. This sounds like you are in the middle of a depression, because these thoughts have no foundation at all.” I think falling back into this big black hole, putting the black helmet on again, has been and maybe still is one of my deepest and most frightening fears. But I felt it. In this very moment, surrounded by my wonderful family, minutes away from home at one of the most beautiful beaches of Ireland with the sun just coming out I felt alone. I felt sad. I felt isolated. Not listened to. And everything had a grey vail over it. It felt very much like a depression. And I felt my body relax, the tension melt away. I surrendered to what is. In this moment. Yes, yesterday was an awesome day. Today I feel depressed. And that's okay. That's nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. It’s just a feeling, an emotion that my mind, body and my spirit experiences in this moment. Because I am not my feelings. I am what feels them. I am the space these feelings move through. I am so much more than my feelings. And I looked up, for the first time fully present since last Friday, when I started looking through the pictures after I wrote about releasing the story of being a mistake, an accident.
I looked up into my partners eyes, this beautiful Soul that has been by my side many lifetimes before and I said: “I think I am in the middle of a depression right now. Because you are right, but the feeling doesn’t change.” And he helped me out of the car and we started walking on the beach. And I started crying again, curling up in his arms, hiding from the world. And his strong, confident voice, channeling the words I needed to hear, arrived between sobs: “I see what has happened. The girl from the pictures is back. The little sad, lonely girl who doesn’t ask, because she never gets what she asks for anyway. But that’s not you any longer. You are a strong, powerful and magical woman, who is not waiting for anyone else to give her what she needs, but who makes sure herself that she gets it. Who doesn’t depend on someone else to decide that she deserves something, anything. Who asks for exactly what she wants, as long as it takes to get it. And that’s one of the things that separates a girl from a woman. I hope you know how much I adore you, how proud I am of you, how much I love you for this. How much I admire you for walking your Soul’s path every single day.”
And I released the pain through snot and tears, held and loved. Later that day I remembered an incident, my mother standing in front of me, a teenager with tears running down my face, asking her why she can’t just hug me. Her answer was that she simply can't hug me when I have a face like that. Being a mirror to her, scaring the crap out of her. That’s what I know now. I didn’t know back then. It just confirmed the story that even if I state what I need I won’t get it. Being held while sobs were running through my whole body, receiving encouraging and loving words filling the space I was making through this huge release was the opposite of this encounter.
And then the moment was over, as Aidi had lost his boot between the big boulders and needed attention. I started collecting special stones for Lucan and then the boys went down to the ocean with their Dad to let the algae fly in the wind like kites (don’t ask, it looked hilarious and icky!) while I sat back nestled into the rocks protected from the wind. And I realised that I had everything I started asking for last year. I had a daughter on the way, a wonderful aligned business feeding us all and keeping us safe while enabling me to travel when I needed it. I realised that the Universe does listen. That it is loving and kind and that it doesn’t ask if I deserve anything I desire or if my desires are silly or if it wouldn’t be better to give me something completely different instead. Because this has been a repeating story in my life, especially my mother and my stepfather not listening to what I wished for, but getting me what they wanted when they were my age or thought was best for me instead, my trust and faith had slowly retreated in those two weeks when I went down memory lane. I started to belittle my deepest desires, seeing it mirrored back to me in the outside world by seeing both my dad and my stepmom having a hard time stating what they want and dream of. Pretending that the sex of my baby doesn’t matter to me. But it did. And I was too afraid to end up disappointed by getting my hopes up.
And so I sat between the stones at the beach, watching my boys and my man, feeling my daughter kick inside of my belly, my vision started to blur again and I said out loud: “You are listening Universe. You are. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!”
And the heavy feeling of depression lifted and I felt calm and surround by the presence that many call God or Higher Power, deeply connected to Source energy, to Spirit. While describing it I feel the urge to press my palms together and place them on my forehead, a universal gesture of gratitude for this life, the wonderful multi-facetted experience I’m allowed to have and the love that flows through me and that is me.
No matter what you desire, big or small, a giant vision of your own house or speaking in front of millions or millions on your bank account or just the need for 5 minutes of peace on the toilet or under the shower (hello parents ;) ) or a 10 minute back rub, nothing is too silly or useless. Your desires and dreams are the way your soul communicates with you.
So please, please, PLEASE listen and allow them to be heard. By you, so you can state them out loud, to your loved ones, to strangers, to your Spirit Guides and to the Universe. And even if it feels like that no-one else is listening and that your desires don’t matter, believe me - I know for sure that the Universe is listening. You get exactly what you ask for, so make sure you ask for the things you really really want! And then be prepared to receive them. With Love&Gratitude,