A wheelchair made me cry tears of gratitude today. For the first time in a long time I felt the hands of my children in mine while they happily walked along each side of me, pointing, laughing, chatting away, their little feet making sounds on the gravel of the path.
This week on the Full Moon, in sacred circle with the women closest to me, I released the high expectations of my not pregnant, energetic Self towards my pregnant, exhausted Self. I released all judgement and the urge to punish my self for all the good I have in my life.
Since my pelvic girdle pain/ SPD appeared again in this pregnancy I did my best to work with it, not against it. My body is very effectively producing the hormone relaxin to loosen my ligaments in preparation for childbirth, unfortunately way to early and one side of my hip is more lose than the other, which causes pain. This pain gets worse, especially at night, when I move around too much over the day.
Over the last month, since my weekend in London, I became more aware than ever how I play out that old pattern of mine and use this pain to help me punish myself. So I committed to love myself even more and change how I deal with it. I started saying YES to myself on a much larger scale, started uncovering some very nasty comments I made in my head about my pregnant “malfunctioning” body and I started to heal these old and new wounds by deepening into self-compassion and love. Last week my physio therapist advised me after my treatment to use my crutches even when I’m walking from the bed to the toilet.
In my head the timeline of my life was parted between before and after the Ireland retreat in September. I knew it would be a big up level experience for me and I would step into a new version of myself there. I thought I just had to make sure that I would rest enough during my retreat and I would be fine afterwards. But I wasn’t. I was energetically exhausted and mostly in bed sleeping for almost a week. And for the first time I understood how much energy my work takes out of me. How much I put into the space I’m holding, the energy I release for others and the healing I facilitate. Before this pregnancy and the SPD getting so painful and taking such a big portion of my energy I didn’t understand this. Now I do. To do the work I do my self care needs to be not 100%, but 250%, so I can serve from overflow. Reaching overflow is very hard if you don’t get enough rest due to pain keeping you awake at night. Feeling bliss, joy, relaxation is a choice more than ever right now for me. For the last two months, in order to show up in my work as the Light Maiden the way I want to I had to put all my remaining energy into it and nothing was left for my children or my husband or anything else in fact. My life existed of work and rest.
I love my business, I really do, AND I’m feeling this deep urge to pull back right now, let my freebies and programs reach the people who need them in Divine Timing and to trust that when I’m ready to pick my 1:1 and live group work up again the Souls who are meant to will be ready to work with me then. This pain I’m having made really clear that my body is too tired for another baby and that our daughter will be our last newborn in this lifetime. I don’t want to look back on these first precious months and see that I wasn’t there in order to help others. As I can help others best if I help myself first.
So Dennis and me made some BIG decisions together which will lead to massive changes to the way our life looked like until now. From the 23rd of October on Dennis is working in a corporate job again, to take the financial pressure off the Light Maiden for the next couple of months. My last live group program starts tomorrow, with 14 calls to go over the next 7 weeks. I’m also wrapping up my last calls with my remaining four 1:1 clients.
I started shopping our groceries online and we are looking for a cleaner right now to come in once a week. Over the next couple of months any offers of help will be welcomed with a big fat YES, if it’s taking Lucan and Aidan to the playground or to the beach, giving Lucan a lift to playschool and back, any sugar free food that I can heat up without standing too long, entertainment through video calls, loving words or energy sent our way, recommendations on games, books, interesting documentaries and funny movies and other things I can do with my little ones lying in bed, and most of all words of encouragement to keep us going, we’re open to receive it all.
What might look like a step back from the outside, giving up freedom and so much of our family time is just the next step that feels right. That will bring us forward quicker than any other step. Those of you who know me closer know that asking for help is my last resort. I only do it if I can’t see any way out myself. At least up until now. It doesn’t need to be this way. Over the last week I was trapped in my mind with all the things I CAN’T do, like walk, drive, dance, cook...the list goes on. This morning I remembered again that I create my own reality and the feelings and energy I focus on is what I attract. So I asked myself: What CAN I do?
* I CAN ask for help and love myself enough to accept it, no matter where it comes from. * I CAN sit * I CAN lie down * I CAN eat * I CAN talk, sing and joke around * I CAN listen * I CAN send out love and kindness and smiles * I CAN focus on what’s good * I CAN write * I CAN draw * I CAN listen to the whispers of my Soul * I CAN share my experience
That’s a pretty long list and there is much more. And I decided to use all of this as much as possible. In the end this whole situation is just temporary and all I can do is to make the best out of each moment.
What my Soul, my heart wanted today was to go on a walk with my boys, have an adventure, fresh air and trees around me. And instead of telling myself that I CAN’T and stay in bed, sending my family out by themselves I prayed for a way that would be FUN for all of us. In my meditation I asked for the “how” to my wish, surrendering to what is. And the Universe delivered. Fota, a wild life park close to us, popped into my head. It has a little train, so I figured if I make it through the entrance section to the train on my crutches I could drive half a round while Dennis and the boys walk and then we all take the train back together. When I tried to find out if the train was running today on their website I saw that they offered wheelchairs for free. I called them as soon as they were open, asking about the train and the wheelchairs and the lovely lady reserved one for me straight away. When I hung up I was in tears of excitement and gratitude.
An hour later I took my first “walk” in months, being able to hold my boys hands while Dennis was pushing me, with the giraffes to the left and the buffalos to the right. We had an amazing day together, seeing the little tiger cub and eating yummy pizza, making fish in the arts&crafts tent.
Something I thought wasn’t available to me until our baby is out and I have recovered from the birth enough to walk without crutches again. But it was, it is available, if I don’t insist in doing it all by myself. If I get out of the way.
A tiny switch, from I CAN’T to I CAN. Staying open to ANY possibility and solution that presents itself. Taking my Ego and my pride out of the equation, acting in a new way.
That’s all it took to collapse a time line and make an absolute wonderful day possible that I had given up on.
Are you looking at your CAN’Ts right now, instead of your CANs? What would change by you switching perspective and surrendering the “how”, just listening to what you desire? And then finding a way using your CANs?
I invite you to make your list today.
Sending you Love&Light,