Yesterday was Day 6 of Auri being here, 3 children under 5 in the house. The happy hormones of labour leaving my body, she’s working on getting me back on a “normal” level. The reality of my amazing body needing time to heal and regain strength has started to come to my awareness by different body parts hurting.
Overwhelm hit me several times, tears streaming down my face, my mind making up stories about how I will never have a moment to myself again, sending me into a downwards spiral of thoughts. And I took deep breaths, handed our little daughter over to her Dad and retreated, to be by myself for a couple of minutes, to immediately proof the story in my head to be wrong. As if they could smell it the boys would come after me, follow me into the bathroom, into the bedroom, poke me, demand attention. Dennis had to “rescue” me more than once yesterday.
Right now the house is dark and quiet, it’s 6am and I’m just finishing an early morning feed, Auri sleeping on my chest, the rest sleeping upstairs. Giving me time to reflect on yesterday, share all of this journey into motherhood, not only the highlight reel or the good bits. This dip, the “baby blues”, was easier to deal with because I knew it would come. Being in it and now just coming out of it, even with the awareness I have and the split experience, letting the emotions pass through my body while watching myself living through it, was scary and stressful and interesting and reminded me of the times in my life where this was every day reality - my life filled with dark thoughts and overwhelm. And it was so hard not to try and push it down, but instead letting it out. Disturbing my children, overwhelming my husband, who has done his best to hold me OR keep the children away from me for a while to give me room to breathe and come back to balance. Crying, tapping, playing out worst case scenarios.
It has also shown me how far I’ve come. How far we have come as a couple, how much better our communication is compared to last time. I would lie if I’d say that I was respectful and kind throughout the last 36 hours towards my family. Because I wasn’t, even if I tried my best. I said things that were hurtful and scary, for example when I stopped putting together Lego while trying to eat my breakfast, started crying and said: “I’m sorry, I can’t do this, maybe I should just leave.” Without adding that I meant “for 10 minutes to sit in the car and breathe” not “forever”.
Overall though we made it through, without anyone feeling unloved or unwanted for more than a couple of moments. And that’s better than last time, when Aidan joined us. When it took me weeks to get to a place where I could forgive myself (and him) for “destroying” life as we knew it and throwing all of us into unknown (=unsafe for the human mind) territory. I’m grateful for all the healing and the shift in consciousness that has taken place between these two beautiful Souls joining us. And I’m infinitely grateful for this incredible man I have by my side, who loves me through all of these moments unconditionally, no matter if I’m needing time to meditate, channel or just be human as f*ck and let my emotions out so they don’t get stuck.
Now, back to sleep before everyone will wake up again! Sending you love, especially if you are finding yourself in a similar place of overwhelm. Remember to breathe, sit with the feeling, let it move through and then remember that nothing stays like it is if you decide to make different choices.