Old familiar thoughts Are back Comfortable In their own way After three nights and days of Interrupted moments Of sleep I find myself In mombie mode My body filled with pain My mind tired and foggy Feeling tortured Vulnerable And weak
While sipping my tea And feeding porridge To the baby So she stops whining For a few minutes I watch them passing: „What’s the point Why even bother It’s just too hard Take the easy way out I‘m broken I don’t matter Everyone would be Better off without me It’s time to go Just end it all Go, run, leave!“ There it is My go to My first reaction My pattern My solution To resolve All that is unpleasant Emerges Breaking through the surface Of my unconscious mind Once again To wave at me By sending me thoughts Like this Dangerous In these vulnerable moments When not approached Consciously For over a decade I would blush In shame Catching myself Thinking these thoughts Pressing them down While shouting at myself Leading into a spiral of Self hatred Telling myself that Thoughts like this are Wrong Unnatural Sick Pulling myself deeper And deeper Into the hole Of Judgement So it would Take hours, days, weeks To get back out This morning showed me How far I‘ve come When I replied instead „Those are Some interesting thoughts Quite valid As I know it can Easily seem this way After your basic needs Haven’t been met Let me remind you That you chose to be here That you created this reality And because of that Everything is in place For your needs to be met As soon as possible In a few hours So please Let’s stay And I show you Some people And things That might show you Why.“ The sun was out We went to the market For some fresh flowers And yummy food Smiling faces And loud giggles And hugs and kisses While getting out Of tiny shoes And new thoughts Came to visit: „This is worth it I can do this I want to do this Being here is enough I‘m making a difference I‘m loved There’s no need To run I want to stay I choose to stay“
I no longer wait For the thoughts To go away So I can love myself Again There is no need To push them down They come and go Simply on their own Some moments (Hours/Days/Weeks) The most courageous choice is To choose Radical Unconditional self love And stay (Alive) Another moment. *
My main pattern when life and especially motherhood isn't all easy and rainbows (big difference from ease and flow btw) is to escape, to ignore what is going on, to go, run, leave. In any shape or form, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. To chase the highs wanting to escape the lows, on the inside judging myself so deeply for not being able to "love it all", to "enjoy every moment" while there are others who would give everything to have children in this life time and couldn't. Today, with the energy of this Full Moon supporting me I'm releasing another layer of this, releasing the judgement of these thoughts that pulls me down. Thoughts come and go and the less we resist them the better they can flow. Releasing the judgement of the thoughts we don't like/have been taught to be labelled as "bad/wrong/sick" dissolves resistance, which invites more ease and flow. And really, when we look at it then our judgement of ourselves and our thoughts is just more...thoughts. And consciously choosing our thoughts is a practise, a life long commitment and nothing that happens over night, even when it's a Full Moon and the energy is as lovely as the one right now. My invitation today is to look consciously at your own thoughts and when you start judging yourself. And to let La Luna help you to let go of it a tad faster than before. And then choose again. Because at the centre of your being there is simply one absolute Truth: You are love.